ramblings

as i said in my previous post, this month has been nothing short of hectic. i'm in the process of moving (whoa!) and it's breaking me. i have accumulated so much stuff that i don't know if i'm ready to part with, even though they need to go. more importantly, i need boxes and of course i waited for the last minute and it's proving to be 40x more difficult than i thought it would be to get them. i hate my life. lol and my mother was supposed to come out a few days before i move in so that we could go buy my furniture but she won't be able to. ultimately, i'm doing this whole move alone. i'm extremely stressed but i think this is good for me. moving in will be that much more gratifying i guess (if i do move successfully, that is.) things will all work out, i hope. now, more than ever do i wish i wasn't such a frivolous spender because i would have my car and my problems would be pretty much solved. no matter, i'll be fine.
i just wish that i didn't have soo much to do in such a confined period of time. truthfully i wish i wasn't taking this damn summer class. that's what's creating the brunt of my stress.. everyone knows i don't do any real work at my job, ha..
-- totally irrelevant info--
on one of my many google crusades (ha) i came across this and decided to share:
[Robert F. Kennedy] gave a speech to the Voice of America all around the world 40 years ago. And despite what was going on in the country, particularly in Alabama, Bobby Kennedy said this: Things are 'moving so fast in race relations a Negro could be president in 40 years.' This is in 1968, we're now in 2008.

'There's no question about it,' the attorney general said. 'In the next 40 years a Negro can achieve the same position that my brother has.' ... Kennedy said that prejudice exists and probably will continue to ... 'But we have tried to make progress and we are making progress. We are not going to accept the status quo.'

- Robert F. Kennedy, Washington Post, May 27, 1968
Obama has this in the bag.
until next time, outski♥

you look vaguely familiar..

it has definitely been a full month. lol.. life has been nothing short of insane. i can't say i'm hating it but i definitely can't say i'm loving it either.. what i am loving is the thought of me moving in less than a month! i'm too fricken excited. in other news, i've been in philly pretty much alone and have gotten a lot of self evaluation in. i realized that temple has radically transformed me into something of a bitter hag, lol. no, actually i think i have become a significantly better person in that i am no longer the naive, eager to fall & trust kind of girl that i once was. though i do spend a lot of time alone nowadays, i'd rather do that then have many people around me draining me of essentially my joy. it's whatever though, right now i'm in a very good place. i have my five best friends -- God, my mom, my sister, my blackberry and my ipod and i'm soon to add a sixth, my apartment. i'd say life is going pretty well. my next post probably won't be for a little while, this month will be pretty hectic. i'll try my best though =]
until next time, outski♥

the wall between us

There is a wall between us
It prevents us from becoming something more
Here I stand, intrigued and infatuated
Yet I fear my feelings are exaggerated
Perhaps this wall is the pain of a past
Or the fear of our future
I’m standing here looking
Waiting for something to happen
But I cannot even see you.
Instead I see stones of reason and logic
It’s excuses that keep us apart
Maybe the wall is this fatal attraction
That keeps me from being me
And in turn you see stones of lies
Frozen, yes, self control is between us.
We walk to the edge of possibilities
And let our imaginations consume us
I know you’re there, waiting
I’m still here listening
Would I be a fool to climb?
To climb this barricade of time
Time moves, yes
But will this wall is immobile
It is no secret that we hold secrets
This wall is full of silence
We give hints of what’s deeply critical
And disguise it with sarcasm and comedy
The truth is that we’re both calling out for love… a love
The question is what kind is necessary
Just then, when we both believe that we are not each other’s future
And that we are nothing more than failed attempts turned into a lesson
… We walk away.

rewind.

i've been neglecting my poor little blog. let's get up to speed, shall we? lol.. spring semester is officially over and i must say i'm pretty fricken impressed with the outcome. fall semester sucked so i'm hella proud of myself for coming back from it the way that i did. i'm staying in philly for the summer to work, take summer classes and ultimately be broke and miserable lol! good fun though.. i'll be moving into my new apartment (yayy) august 5th but i have yet to find any furniture, so looks like i'll be sleeping on the floor! lol it's cool, as long as it's my floor and i don't have to worry about anyone else..
life on the whole is okay, i guess..i've been thinking more and more about the year that has passed and i think it is safe to say that this may have been one of the worst school years of my life. there was some good but for the most part, it was borderline unbearable.. 158% of me is ecstatic that it's over. lol. i feel like i've learned so much yet so little over the course of the past 9 months. all of those experiences, thoughts, heartaches, etc. have brought me to really realize that the only person that truly cares about me is me. yeah i have 'friends' but i do not trust a soul anymore. basically everyone seems to fail me. lol debbie downer much? i love the time to myself that i finally have now that my obnoxious roommate moved out, but at the same time, i feel more alone than i ever have before. i've been trying to immerse myself in other things to entertain myself but at the end of the day, i really can't find anything. i'm not complaining, i'm just saying. lol. i wish i would find someone or a few someones that are truly down for me. even more than that, i wish i could rewind to this time last year, eradicate all those farfetched hopes, dreams and wishes that i made for this past year and realize then what i know now. i seriously could have saved myself gallons of tears, money and tiiiimmmmeeeeee, that i will never get back (well the money i will.. lol).. i'm so tired of being hurt. i seriously need some sort of a breakthrough. lol.
in any case, i'm excited to be taking classes. my calculus teacher, darin kapanjie is nice to look at and he's funny. i'm predicting an a in the class. i have macroeconomics next session and i'm praying for an a because i barely scraped by in micro. lol.
as far as my aforementioned problems, i may invest in therapy. or loads and loads of alcohol. i'm thinking the latter. ;)
until next time, outski♥

bruised, but not broken

it's been a while, i know! lol life has been hectic...
in any case, a couple weeks ago, i was at work on a thursday or friday and it was very, very busy. for that reason, or as a result of my clumsiness (yeah right lol), i rammed my thigh into the door that lets me onto the teller line. *ouch* of course, like i said, it was busy so i couldn't do my usual screaming, crying and rolling around on the floor, lol. instead, i cursed and kept moving. we had a line damn near out to chestnut street so i diligently worked and soon forgot about my ailment. by the end of the night, as the branch started to slow down, i realized that i had really hurt myself. pay attention. i went to the bathroom to inspect my leg thinking that there would be a bruise but there was nothing there. of course it hurt when i walked and touched the spot but visibly, i was fine. i went home, looked some more for a bruise i knew should be there but still, nothing. a few mornings later, the bruise that i knew should have been there days ago, finally reared its ugly head. it still hurt a little bit but not nearly as much as it did when it first happened. read closely. a few days later, i looked at my bruise again and yeah, it was still there looking more disgusting by the day, but it was no longer tender to the touch. i realized that the worse my thigh looked, the closer i was to a full recovery. i attribute this very theory to my everyday life. life has a way of throwing curve balls and setting traps for us that seem to come out of nowhere (like the door that tried to break my leg! lol). we then find ourselves licking our wounds thinking "where did that come from?! i was being careful" or even better "i knew better than to go/do it that way." when you are really hurt or dealing with something, that wound will, more likely than not, be completely invisible. to the naked (or even judgemental) eye, you are in the best shape of your life. only when those wounds begin to heal do things start to get ugly. with healing comes knowledge, new hope. as you make up in your mind that you are going to do things the right way, you may lose friends, yeah. those people who promised to always be by your side may turn into your greatest enemies, yeah. things may seem to be in a great shambles, yeah yeah. when things start to look ugly or things aren't going your way, however, remind yourself that just like when you get a bruise on your body, things tend to get better when they look the worst.
until next time, outski♥

i love it when we're cruisin together..

let me start out by saying that i finally found an apartment!
now back to our regularly scheduled program:
God puts people in && takes them out of our lives for a reason. sometimes it's hard for us (particularly me) to understand why he does but over time, the understanding will come. looking back on this school year as it's coming to an end, i realize that this year has been one of extreme change. things that were soo good last year turned out to be horrible this year; friendships, relationships, grades, you name it. it felt like nothing went my way this year. i lost sooo friendships that i thought would last forever && a guy that i thought i was in love with (right).. i felt like i hit rock bottom and God himself would not stop kicking me to keep me down everytime i showed signs of getting up again. now, however, as i'm sitting here, getting ready for the summer && my junior year in college (whoooohoooo!) i realize that i haven't lost much at all. these friendships that i thought i lost were nothing but close acquaintances that had cleverly masked themselves as friends. although i have friends back in ct that will never hurt me in the ways i was hurt this school year, i now know that even if i have to finish college completely alone && with no friends (even though that will never happen) i will do it and i will be successful. as far as the relationship, that's a whole other post on its own. at this point, i feel like i really have everything i need. God has weeded out those people who have done nothing really but hold me down and has left me people with whom i share a common goal -- self actualization and success. i really could not ask for more. so here's to you guys, the ones who have never failed me and who will be a part of the story of my life until i graduate, if not for the rest of my life!
until next time, outski♥

obama '08

everyone better vote tomorrow!

reminders to myself..

"nobody built like you.. you design yourself"
-- jay z

as of late, i've been realizing that a lot of the friendships that i felt were worth putting time and energy into were just the opposite of that. there once was a time that i thought i needed friends; i thought that i was afraid of being alone. as time goes on, however, i've come to terms with the fact that i really don't need anyone. it's fun to have people around, yeah, but at the end of the day, i'm sleeping alone (well most of the time.. lol) i've found myself settling for people and trying to look past their many imperfections (yeah, i know everyone has them but damn) only to have them essentially spit in my face. no more, though. i will not let another person hold me down. on top of that, the people that i never have had to settle for and go against my gut for are still around so fuck the rest. yeah, you.
in any case..
spring fling was a blast, to say the least. i definitely took shot numero uno at like 10:15 in the morning. although it was fun fun fun, i will never do that again. i was all fucked up by 11:30, walkin around with madeleine all crazy lol.. annndd at 4:30 i was still drinking! lol good timesss.. apparently i drunk dialed/texted like shiit but it's coool tho. that means i love you! lol by like 6:30-7 i was startin to feel shittyy. i was in bed by 8 and kept waking up feeling like i needed to throw up. i didn't, but that feeling stayed well into the next morning.. a small price to pay! lol..
right now i'm supposed to be doing this fuckin law homework but i can't seem to find the last two answers so i'm about to quit.. the last month of school is always a dirty bitch.. i'm soo tired of doing school work but at the same time i don't really wanna slack to cancel out all of the work i did in the beginning.. 3 more weeks, 3 more weeks!
until next time, outski♥

whirlwind of thoughts

have you ever forgotten to charge your cell phone and had it die on you at the most inopportune times? i know i have. it only happens at the worst times possible like when you're lost **gasp** or you need to make an uber important phone call. for me, the latter isn't that big of a problem because i remember everyone's phone number and get constantly teased for it, lol.. there's no way i'd be putting my face on a pay phone, however, especially not in philly.. i digress..
just like cell phones need to be charged, sometimes we need charging as well -- college students especially. we are so stressed about getting good grades that a lot of times, we neglect the things our bodies need the most like rest, relaxation and direction. it seems that we get weak and 'lose signal' but we try to press on through it but just like a cell phone, there's only so much you can do without being recharged. i, for one, am a repeat offender of this.

on another, yet vaguely similar note.. when two people enter into a serious relationship, they begin to say sweet things like 'you're my better half' and 'you complete me.' you complete me? so if/when that relationship falls through and that person leaves, are you permanently incomplete? were you so wound up in this one person that you are not able to recharge (hey segway!) yourself on your own? i think that people, as a whole, confuse 'complete' with 'complement'. they are two very different things. two things that are complete are complementary but two things that are complementary are not automatically complete. for example, purchasing a complete pair of gloves denotes two single gloves that are complementary. wearing two different socks together as a makeshift pair does not make them a complete pair. the complete and complementary pair is essentially good, while the makeshift pair will simply have to make do.
entering a relationship looking for someone to 'complete' you and not to 'complement' you often yields co-dependency instead of partnership. a co-dependent relationship is not about growth in each other, but instead about taking care of the here and now. this as well oftentimes forces people into a harsh cycle -- falling in love, getting what we need for the moment, falling out of love, resenting that person for filling not your emotional, but only your platonic desires. being 'whole' does not equate to perfection. being 'whole' only really equates to not needing. i think before one tries to find another to 'complete' him/her, he or she needs to work on completing his/herself. depending on another for your own happiness is no way to live.
that's enough insight for one night!
until next time, outski♥

how does your life taste?

rock with me.
when we, as regular people, go to a restaurant for the first time, typically we look at the entire menu before making a choice. there are other factors that add to that choice, like a friend or the waiter/waitress making a recommendation, but essentially, our choices are made based on our own tastes, thoughts and opinions. once everyone's food comes, however, before tasting our own, we look at how everyone else's meals look and smell and begin to second guess our own choices. 'i should've gotten that' is usually the first thought running through everyone's mind. for that reason, no one is truly satisfied with their choice, and the meal, unfortunately, is not enjoyed the way it would have been had it's owner been confident in his/her choice.
a good number of us experience life in the same ways we experience dining. we constantly compare our lives to the next person's, not knowing the full extent of his or hers. from the outside, everyone's life looks more gratifying and satisfying than our own. we, as people, overlook the fact that there may be aspects of that person's life that they find extremely dissatisfying, but are good at masking the fact. we never know who is or isn't truly happy with the life they lead. we have to remember that just like in a restaurant, what looks, smells, and tastes good to one person may not please you.
we also must not forget that food's main purpose is to energize. elementarily explained, plants and animals sacrifice their lives to provide that energy to sustain our lives. one should think of life in the same type of way: in order to maintain life, we are forced to sacrifice many different things, things that sometimes make us feel that if we had the next person's life, we'd feel better. everyone must do this, so we should learn to accept our lives, despite how the next person's looks, smells, or tastes.
how does your life taste?

philly philly, philly where i'm NOT from

so last night i went to look at an apartment on susquehanna (yuck) and afterwards, my two friends and i went to the mcdonald's up that way. we sit down and there are these three disgusting looking men with freeway beards sitting at the table across from us. they're looking out the window at temple kids walking back and forth saying 'damn temple girls all got fat asses.' get a life mr. then one of them was like 'the things i would do to that girl, i'd set her up on the washing machine on spin cycle and eat her pussy for hours.' at this point, my one friend starts crackin up, essentially inviting them to join our conversation. yuck. they're like 'oh shorties over there know what that's like,' blah blah.. then they start showing us their tongues as if that's supposed to be some kind of turn on. then they came over trying to initiate conversation. no thanks. long story short, i don't know what it is about philly men but they allll disgust the hell outta me. not a one of them has style, game.. the list goes on..
in any case, the apartment search is still going nowhere, fast. **shakes head, big sigh**
until next time, outski♥

frustration.

i'm so unbelievably tired of life right now. for the past like two months i've been putting excessive amounts of energy into finding an apartment suitable for 4 different people only to now have to restart my search for a studio apartment. i'm tired of putting my all out to please people and getting absolutely nothing in return; it's as if my wants and needs are not a priority to anyone. am i supposed to smile and act as if everything's fine when shit never goes my way? didn't think so. i'm tired of college -- tired of working so hard and taking so many classes, studying so many hours only to eventually (hopefully) get a job and work some more. eh, such is life, i suppose..
i'm especially tired of thinking so much.. i've been racking my brain far too much lately. the question is why do i waste my time on people who could care less about me and ignore the ones who do care? that seems to be a constant in my life. i thrive on people who drag me down. i'm sick of making sacrifices for people and catering to other people's needs. i need to put myself first and stop worrying about what others want or think. i can't let people walk all over me anymore. i can't let people play games with me anymore. i'm sick of getting hurt, i'm sick of trusting people and letting my guard down only to have them crush me. but what i'm especially sick of is the games that people play. the private calls need to stop.
on a lighter note, i'm seeing more and more of my friends plunge deeper and deeper into credit card debt and i thank God in heaven that i have a steady, well paying job that keeps me from falling into that abyss.. **knocks on wood**
my grammy's back from haiti, FINALLY.. of course i work every weekend so going home to see her is gna be a bit hard. ANDD we got a beautiful new puppy named Chloe Nicole:
she's a mix between a maltese and a yorkie. love herrr! lol i just can't wait to be able to go home and be with the ones i know will never fail me..
hopefully, when i've graduated college, when i've become a successful investment banker and wife, my life will finally be complete. if not, at least i'll be making loot. ;)
until next time, outski♥

ramblings from the library..

today has been one of those days.. i looked at FOUR apartments today and i'm slowly coming to the conclusion that connecticut is where i belong. of the four, i loved one (which of course the landlord wants to rent out in april, yeah next week) liked one (turns out that one isn't even on the market anymore but he's building three other duplexes so hopefully i'll like one of those) hated one (no comment) and the final one i was on the fence about. all of this work when i could leave temple, save thousands of dollars and live back at home for free. in any case, hopefully this time next month i'll know where i'll be next year.
aside from that...
again i'm doing that whole re-assessing my life and friendships thing again and i'm finding myself wanting more and more to cut things out, 'friends' being the number one. it perplexes me how i have been friends with people back in connecticut basically my whole life, but i came to temple and i find myself disliking more and more people. of the many i was close with at one point, i really only talk to one, jhannell my ride or die. i'm not complaining, but at the same time i wonder if it's really them or if it's just me. it has to been them. lol.

i'm kinda glad that both day 26's and danity kane's albums were good. i was afraid they wouldn't be. in any case, day 26 is below. until next time! outski♥

i'm rojo

What's Your True Color?

My Result: Red

Your color is red, the color of racy sportscars, blushing cheeks, and luscious roses. Red symbolizes passion, romance, and love. So, since you're ruled by red, you probably trust your feelings more than your brain and tend to act spontaneously. If you see something you want, you go for it without thinking twice — impulsive is your middle name. You don't wait around for people to make decisions, either; you dive right in. Quite the romantic, you pay close attention to your emotions. In fact, if your heart isn't in what you're doing, you won't be satisfied. Of course, even when you do pour all your energy into the projects you tackle, your impetuous nature means your passions can shift as frequently as the wind. That's why some reds have trouble with commitment. Our advice? Next time you're feeling fickle, think before you act, if possible. You might be surprised at the results. Overall, though, it's great to be red. No one lives life more completely than you do.

What are you?
http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=colorogt&c=50652

yeah, it's like that.

"Inevitably, the further you run from your sins, the more exhausted you are when they catch up to you, and they do."
-- Dalton Russell, Inside Man

words to live by

DON'T QUIT
-- Author Unknown
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill
When the funds are low and the debts are high
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns
As every one of us sometimes learns
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won, had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you mustn't quit.

wow. this could not have come at a better time. in any case, i'm hating life right now lol.. i have the worst OD crams i've ever had and i was trying to take a nap buttttt thanks to bum ass philly, they're doing some work on 15th st DIRECTLY under my window. fuck this place.
i have PILES of homework to do and of course i have to go to work. looks like it's gna be a long tech center night. yeesh. at least the sun is shining! it was oc cold this morning and of course all i had on was a hoodie. lol.. new danity kane isn't that bad! 85% of me thought it was gna be horrible but i can actually listen to the whole cd without skipping. not worth buying, but definitely worth downloading. lol. im gna try that nap thing again.
until next time, outski ♥

new deep

"Numb is the new deep/Done with the old me/And talk is the same cheap it's been.."
-- John Mayer, New Deep

thank you john fricken mayer. it's been a while. i've decided to make some changes with my life.. drastic ones, yes, but also necessary ones. i'm only afraid that they will not change what i want them to change. for instance, i changed my phone number for several different reason, one of which was to get away from a few people.. the main person i was 'running' from, however, got it within a couple hours of my changing it.. seems like it'll never be over between us lol.. that's for another post.
last week i was home for spring break and i felt on top of the world. i've never been so happy to be back in ct and right now i'm feeling a huge ache in my heart to be back there. usually, my mother and i do nothing but fight but this past week, we became friends. it's almost like she trusts me 1000x more now (she let me take her car 2 days in a row!).. i just wish i could go back. home is such a safe haven for me, especially with all that's been happening here. whatev lol what can you do? i'm ready for this semester to be done. i'm in the process of looking for a new job, (commerce drains me so much) and looking at schools to transfer to, although that may not happen.
in other news, the 2008 election. sheesh! though after hearing his life story, and reading tidbits of his book i'm for obama, i don't think it really matters whether we nominate the white woman or the black man because neither or them provide much of a new direction and both have a MASSIVE burden awaiting them, and neither will be able to do much more than 'stop the bleeding.' that is, obviously, a relief but it's not really progress, which is what we ultimately need. even more than that, i think that what it means to politically or even intellectually to be a 'woman' or 'black' is something that we as a people should be WAY over. look at phyllis schlafly, clarence thomas or even fricken condoleezza rice (even if she's a dick lol).
all in all, i think obama is the better candidate, period. that being said, however, i think that both he and hilary are qualified, and finally having a democrat in office will be nothing short of a good thing. hopefully, however, if obama wins the primary, the analysts are not right in their assertion that democrats will sway at the last minute and vote for the white man, which will be mccain. yikes.
in any case, i'm outski. until next time!

in a winehouse state of mind.

'All I can ever be to you/Is the darkness that we knew/And this regret I've got accustomed to/Once it was so right/When we were at our high/Waiting for you in the hotel at night/I knew I hadn't met my match/But every moment we could snatch/I don't know why I got so attached/It's my responsibility/And you don't owe nothing to me/But to walk away I have no capacity/He walks away/The sun goes down/He takes the day but I'm grown/And in your way/In this blue shade/My tears dry on their own'
-- Amy Winehouse, Tears Dry On Their Own

took the words right out of my mouth.. there's nothing that i want more than for the both of us to be happy.. the only problem is we can't seem to be happy and truthful at the same time.. i've done my dirt, we're both in the wrong and the saddest thing is that i'm only just realizing it.. though what i did isn't nearly as bad as what he did (in my eyes) two wrongs will never make a right.. a relationship built on lies is also bound to fail; it was only a matter of time.. it hurts like shit though, and it seems that neither of us knows how to effectively deal with it.. even though i semi know why, sometimes i wonder why we didn't work & why it took a whole year and a half for us to realize it wasn't going to or one step further, i wonder if we actually did know and chose to revel in the moments we shared and ignore it.. more likely than not it was the second of the two, and probably mostly because i tend to jump into things head first and deal with the consequences later. i'm usually able to gauge the consequences and this time i honestly felt that there were none. i wanted to mean the same to him as he did to me.. maybe i did, maybe i didn't, i'll never know.. what i do know is that at the end of the day, i don't regret for a second being with him and my tears really will dry on their own..

mild epiphany

“The hardest thing you can do is smile when you are ill, in pain or depressed, but this no-cost remedy is a necessary first half-step if you are to start on the road to recovery."
-- Allen Klein

&& here i go..

someone please call 911

once you deal with someone on an intimate level, unconsciously, you begin to change to please them. now that we are through, i'm noticing the things that i changed and those that i did not. even though i don't regret what happened, how it happened or fully how it ended, i find myself wondering what would have come of us if i had changed those things that i didn't, or even more, if i never changed those things that i did. now that it's over, i find that i've in essence let go of a piece of myself, a piece that i'm not sure that i will miss. now, those high walls around my heart from before i met him seem to have jumped another 30 feet. whether this is good or bad, i'm not sure. nevertheless, after conversing with a good friend, i realize that i'm something of a relationship wimp stuck in a dangerous cycle. i'm not used to being alone for long periods of time, and each time i find myself down on love, i seem to find a new man to help me get over my hurt. this time, however, it seems that i have to get over my hurt, a hurt that i've never experienced before, all by myself. this isn't even the worst of it. now that i don't have anyone to stick by my side and kick it with, i feel like i'm slowly losing everyone and everything else. i need closure on so many different levels and at this point, that closure seems not to be coming. as shallow and possibly unfitting as it is, i feel like i've hit rock bottom and i can't seem to find my footing.. yeah, everyone has problems, but whatever. the funniest thing about this all is that i've given advice to s many different people about this very hardship and i can't seem to take my own advice and get back on my feet. i wish things could go back to how they were this time last year, when life was EASY. lol in any case..
apartment shopping has officially begun. though i would want more than anything to be able to live happily with my friends, experience has taught me that friends are not meant to live together. on that same token, however, i don't fully want to live by myself.. life would be so much easier if i could just live with my motherrrrr.. lol i hate temple so much right now, coming back is still an if.. anyhow, i have a paper due and a midterm in law tomorrow morning, so i must go prepare. until next time♥

take one.

sometimes i like to sit back and contemplate my life: where have i been? where am i going? i find myself struggling to answer both questions. when i think about my past experiences, it seems that i never, ever learn. i'm tired of being in the same spot in life but it seems that subconsciously, i'm not..? that's the only real reason i can find to justify my actions. i don't know what it is.. i only act that way towards certain things, or persons, to be more specific. on the same token, i've come to terms with the fact that i'm deathly afraid of being alone. although i rant and rave about wanting to live alone and hating everyone the fact of the matter is i don't know how to be emotionally alone. when i look back on things that happened, i almost think i physically can't do it..
eh.. on a lighter note, i wish i could read minds. i know not everyone shares my same thought processes and for that reason, i wish i had that power if only for one day. i think if i were able to see how a certain few people thought and reacted to certain things, aside from the way they show it, my life would be so much easier. but that's impossible, so i'm gna try and work on my communication skills. apparently i "don't express myself in clear enough ways and i expect people to just know how i feel." the second part of that very well may be true because i do wear my emotions on my sleeves so i don't think things are that hard to decipher about me.. in any case, it wouldn't hurt to work on communicating.
2007 was a whirlwind of emotions -- mostly sad ones. for that reason, though i haven't so much succeeded, i need to make 2008 a good year. it seems that starting at the summer of 2007, my life took a huge turn. it hasn't proved to be horrible, but it hasn't been amazing either. instead of the usual complaining and sulking, however, i'm gna try and make the best of everything. (enter blogspot) tune in kiddos, it's gna be quite a ride..