in a winehouse state of mind.

'All I can ever be to you/Is the darkness that we knew/And this regret I've got accustomed to/Once it was so right/When we were at our high/Waiting for you in the hotel at night/I knew I hadn't met my match/But every moment we could snatch/I don't know why I got so attached/It's my responsibility/And you don't owe nothing to me/But to walk away I have no capacity/He walks away/The sun goes down/He takes the day but I'm grown/And in your way/In this blue shade/My tears dry on their own'
-- Amy Winehouse, Tears Dry On Their Own

took the words right out of my mouth.. there's nothing that i want more than for the both of us to be happy.. the only problem is we can't seem to be happy and truthful at the same time.. i've done my dirt, we're both in the wrong and the saddest thing is that i'm only just realizing it.. though what i did isn't nearly as bad as what he did (in my eyes) two wrongs will never make a right.. a relationship built on lies is also bound to fail; it was only a matter of time.. it hurts like shit though, and it seems that neither of us knows how to effectively deal with it.. even though i semi know why, sometimes i wonder why we didn't work & why it took a whole year and a half for us to realize it wasn't going to or one step further, i wonder if we actually did know and chose to revel in the moments we shared and ignore it.. more likely than not it was the second of the two, and probably mostly because i tend to jump into things head first and deal with the consequences later. i'm usually able to gauge the consequences and this time i honestly felt that there were none. i wanted to mean the same to him as he did to me.. maybe i did, maybe i didn't, i'll never know.. what i do know is that at the end of the day, i don't regret for a second being with him and my tears really will dry on their own..