let me start out by saying that i finally found an apartment!
now back to our regularly scheduled program:
God puts people in && takes them out of our lives for a reason. sometimes it's hard for us (particularly me) to understand why he does but over time, the understanding will come. looking back on this school year as it's coming to an end, i realize that this year has been one of extreme change. things that were soo good last year turned out to be horrible this year; friendships, relationships, grades, you name it. it felt like nothing went my way this year. i lost sooo friendships that i thought would last forever && a guy that i thought i was in love with (right).. i felt like i hit rock bottom and God himself would not stop kicking me to keep me down everytime i showed signs of getting up again. now, however, as i'm sitting here, getting ready for the summer && my junior year in college (whoooohoooo!) i realize that i haven't lost much at all. these friendships that i thought i lost were nothing but close acquaintances that had cleverly masked themselves as friends. although i have friends back in ct that will never hurt me in the ways i was hurt this school year, i now know that even if i have to finish college completely alone && with no friends (even though that will never happen) i will do it and i will be successful. as far as the relationship, that's a whole other post on its own. at this point, i feel like i really have everything i need. God has weeded out those people who have done nothing really but hold me down and has left me people with whom i share a common goal -- self actualization and success. i really could not ask for more. so here's to you guys, the ones who have never failed me and who will be a part of the story of my life until i graduate, if not for the rest of my life!
until next time, outski♥
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
reminders to myself..
"nobody built like you.. you design yourself"
-- jay z
as of late, i've been realizing that a lot of the friendships that i felt were worth putting time and energy into were just the opposite of that. there once was a time that i thought i needed friends; i thought that i was afraid of being alone. as time goes on, however, i've come to terms with the fact that i really don't need anyone. it's fun to have people around, yeah, but at the end of the day, i'm sleeping alone (well most of the time.. lol) i've found myself settling for people and trying to look past their many imperfections (yeah, i know everyone has them but damn) only to have them essentially spit in my face. no more, though. i will not let another person hold me down. on top of that, the people that i never have had to settle for and go against my gut for are still around so fuck the rest. yeah, you.
in any case..
spring fling was a blast, to say the least. i definitely took shot numero uno at like 10:15 in the morning. although it was fun fun fun, i will never do that again. i was all fucked up by 11:30, walkin around with madeleine all crazy lol.. annndd at 4:30 i was still drinking! lol good timesss.. apparently i drunk dialed/texted like shiit but it's coool tho. that means i love you! lol by like 6:30-7 i was startin to feel shittyy. i was in bed by 8 and kept waking up feeling like i needed to throw up. i didn't, but that feeling stayed well into the next morning.. a small price to pay! lol..
right now i'm supposed to be doing this fuckin law homework but i can't seem to find the last two answers so i'm about to quit.. the last month of school is always a dirty bitch.. i'm soo tired of doing school work but at the same time i don't really wanna slack to cancel out all of the work i did in the beginning.. 3 more weeks, 3 more weeks!
until next time, outski♥
-- jay z
as of late, i've been realizing that a lot of the friendships that i felt were worth putting time and energy into were just the opposite of that. there once was a time that i thought i needed friends; i thought that i was afraid of being alone. as time goes on, however, i've come to terms with the fact that i really don't need anyone. it's fun to have people around, yeah, but at the end of the day, i'm sleeping alone (well most of the time.. lol) i've found myself settling for people and trying to look past their many imperfections (yeah, i know everyone has them but damn) only to have them essentially spit in my face. no more, though. i will not let another person hold me down. on top of that, the people that i never have had to settle for and go against my gut for are still around so fuck the rest. yeah, you.
in any case..
spring fling was a blast, to say the least. i definitely took shot numero uno at like 10:15 in the morning. although it was fun fun fun, i will never do that again. i was all fucked up by 11:30, walkin around with madeleine all crazy lol.. annndd at 4:30 i was still drinking! lol good timesss.. apparently i drunk dialed/texted like shiit but it's coool tho. that means i love you! lol by like 6:30-7 i was startin to feel shittyy. i was in bed by 8 and kept waking up feeling like i needed to throw up. i didn't, but that feeling stayed well into the next morning.. a small price to pay! lol..
right now i'm supposed to be doing this fuckin law homework but i can't seem to find the last two answers so i'm about to quit.. the last month of school is always a dirty bitch.. i'm soo tired of doing school work but at the same time i don't really wanna slack to cancel out all of the work i did in the beginning.. 3 more weeks, 3 more weeks!
until next time, outski♥
Thursday, April 10, 2008
whirlwind of thoughts
have you ever forgotten to charge your cell phone and had it die on you at the most inopportune times? i know i have. it only happens at the worst times possible like when you're lost **gasp** or you need to make an uber important phone call. for me, the latter isn't that big of a problem because i remember everyone's phone number and get constantly teased for it, lol.. there's no way i'd be putting my face on a pay phone, however, especially not in philly.. i digress..
just like cell phones need to be charged, sometimes we need charging as well -- college students especially. we are so stressed about getting good grades that a lot of times, we neglect the things our bodies need the most like rest, relaxation and direction. it seems that we get weak and 'lose signal' but we try to press on through it but just like a cell phone, there's only so much you can do without being recharged. i, for one, am a repeat offender of this.
on another, yet vaguely similar note.. when two people enter into a serious relationship, they begin to say sweet things like 'you're my better half' and 'you complete me.' you complete me? so if/when that relationship falls through and that person leaves, are you permanently incomplete? were you so wound up in this one person that you are not able to recharge (hey segway!) yourself on your own? i think that people, as a whole, confuse 'complete' with 'complement'. they are two very different things. two things that are complete are complementary but two things that are complementary are not automatically complete. for example, purchasing a complete pair of gloves denotes two single gloves that are complementary. wearing two different socks together as a makeshift pair does not make them a complete pair. the complete and complementary pair is essentially good, while the makeshift pair will simply have to make do.
entering a relationship looking for someone to 'complete' you and not to 'complement' you often yields co-dependency instead of partnership. a co-dependent relationship is not about growth in each other, but instead about taking care of the here and now. this as well oftentimes forces people into a harsh cycle -- falling in love, getting what we need for the moment, falling out of love, resenting that person for filling not your emotional, but only your platonic desires. being 'whole' does not equate to perfection. being 'whole' only really equates to not needing. i think before one tries to find another to 'complete' him/her, he or she needs to work on completing his/herself. depending on another for your own happiness is no way to live.
that's enough insight for one night!
until next time, outski♥
just like cell phones need to be charged, sometimes we need charging as well -- college students especially. we are so stressed about getting good grades that a lot of times, we neglect the things our bodies need the most like rest, relaxation and direction. it seems that we get weak and 'lose signal' but we try to press on through it but just like a cell phone, there's only so much you can do without being recharged. i, for one, am a repeat offender of this.
on another, yet vaguely similar note.. when two people enter into a serious relationship, they begin to say sweet things like 'you're my better half' and 'you complete me.' you complete me? so if/when that relationship falls through and that person leaves, are you permanently incomplete? were you so wound up in this one person that you are not able to recharge (hey segway!) yourself on your own? i think that people, as a whole, confuse 'complete' with 'complement'. they are two very different things. two things that are complete are complementary but two things that are complementary are not automatically complete. for example, purchasing a complete pair of gloves denotes two single gloves that are complementary. wearing two different socks together as a makeshift pair does not make them a complete pair. the complete and complementary pair is essentially good, while the makeshift pair will simply have to make do.
entering a relationship looking for someone to 'complete' you and not to 'complement' you often yields co-dependency instead of partnership. a co-dependent relationship is not about growth in each other, but instead about taking care of the here and now. this as well oftentimes forces people into a harsh cycle -- falling in love, getting what we need for the moment, falling out of love, resenting that person for filling not your emotional, but only your platonic desires. being 'whole' does not equate to perfection. being 'whole' only really equates to not needing. i think before one tries to find another to 'complete' him/her, he or she needs to work on completing his/herself. depending on another for your own happiness is no way to live.
that's enough insight for one night!
until next time, outski♥
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
how does your life taste?
rock with me.
when we, as regular people, go to a restaurant for the first time, typically we look at the entire menu before making a choice. there are other factors that add to that choice, like a friend or the waiter/waitress making a recommendation, but essentially, our choices are made based on our own tastes, thoughts and opinions. once everyone's food comes, however, before tasting our own, we look at how everyone else's meals look and smell and begin to second guess our own choices. 'i should've gotten that' is usually the first thought running through everyone's mind. for that reason, no one is truly satisfied with their choice, and the meal, unfortunately, is not enjoyed the way it would have been had it's owner been confident in his/her choice.
a good number of us experience life in the same ways we experience dining. we constantly compare our lives to the next person's, not knowing the full extent of his or hers. from the outside, everyone's life looks more gratifying and satisfying than our own. we, as people, overlook the fact that there may be aspects of that person's life that they find extremely dissatisfying, but are good at masking the fact. we never know who is or isn't truly happy with the life they lead. we have to remember that just like in a restaurant, what looks, smells, and tastes good to one person may not please you.
we also must not forget that food's main purpose is to energize. elementarily explained, plants and animals sacrifice their lives to provide that energy to sustain our lives. one should think of life in the same type of way: in order to maintain life, we are forced to sacrifice many different things, things that sometimes make us feel that if we had the next person's life, we'd feel better. everyone must do this, so we should learn to accept our lives, despite how the next person's looks, smells, or tastes.
how does your life taste?
when we, as regular people, go to a restaurant for the first time, typically we look at the entire menu before making a choice. there are other factors that add to that choice, like a friend or the waiter/waitress making a recommendation, but essentially, our choices are made based on our own tastes, thoughts and opinions. once everyone's food comes, however, before tasting our own, we look at how everyone else's meals look and smell and begin to second guess our own choices. 'i should've gotten that' is usually the first thought running through everyone's mind. for that reason, no one is truly satisfied with their choice, and the meal, unfortunately, is not enjoyed the way it would have been had it's owner been confident in his/her choice.
a good number of us experience life in the same ways we experience dining. we constantly compare our lives to the next person's, not knowing the full extent of his or hers. from the outside, everyone's life looks more gratifying and satisfying than our own. we, as people, overlook the fact that there may be aspects of that person's life that they find extremely dissatisfying, but are good at masking the fact. we never know who is or isn't truly happy with the life they lead. we have to remember that just like in a restaurant, what looks, smells, and tastes good to one person may not please you.
we also must not forget that food's main purpose is to energize. elementarily explained, plants and animals sacrifice their lives to provide that energy to sustain our lives. one should think of life in the same type of way: in order to maintain life, we are forced to sacrifice many different things, things that sometimes make us feel that if we had the next person's life, we'd feel better. everyone must do this, so we should learn to accept our lives, despite how the next person's looks, smells, or tastes.
how does your life taste?
philly philly, philly where i'm NOT from
so last night i went to look at an apartment on susquehanna (yuck) and afterwards, my two friends and i went to the mcdonald's up that way. we sit down and there are these three disgusting looking men with freeway beards sitting at the table across from us. they're looking out the window at temple kids walking back and forth saying 'damn temple girls all got fat asses.' get a life mr. then one of them was like 'the things i would do to that girl, i'd set her up on the washing machine on spin cycle and eat her pussy for hours.' at this point, my one friend starts crackin up, essentially inviting them to join our conversation. yuck. they're like 'oh shorties over there know what that's like,' blah blah.. then they start showing us their tongues as if that's supposed to be some kind of turn on. then they came over trying to initiate conversation. no thanks. long story short, i don't know what it is about philly men but they allll disgust the hell outta me. not a one of them has style, game.. the list goes on..
in any case, the apartment search is still going nowhere, fast. **shakes head, big sigh**
until next time, outski♥
in any case, the apartment search is still going nowhere, fast. **shakes head, big sigh**
until next time, outski♥
Monday, April 7, 2008
frustration.
i'm so unbelievably tired of life right now. for the past like two months i've been putting excessive amounts of energy into finding an apartment suitable for 4 different people only to now have to restart my search for a studio apartment. i'm tired of putting my all out to please people and getting absolutely nothing in return; it's as if my wants and needs are not a priority to anyone. am i supposed to smile and act as if everything's fine when shit never goes my way? didn't think so. i'm tired of college -- tired of working so hard and taking so many classes, studying so many hours only to eventually (hopefully) get a job and work some more. eh, such is life, i suppose..
i'm especially tired of thinking so much.. i've been racking my brain far too much lately. the question is why do i waste my time on people who could care less about me and ignore the ones who do care? that seems to be a constant in my life. i thrive on people who drag me down. i'm sick of making sacrifices for people and catering to other people's needs. i need to put myself first and stop worrying about what others want or think. i can't let people walk all over me anymore. i can't let people play games with me anymore. i'm sick of getting hurt, i'm sick of trusting people and letting my guard down only to have them crush me. but what i'm especially sick of is the games that people play. the private calls need to stop.
on a lighter note, i'm seeing more and more of my friends plunge deeper and deeper into credit card debt and i thank God in heaven that i have a steady, well paying job that keeps me from falling into that abyss.. **knocks on wood**
my grammy's back from haiti, FINALLY.. of course i work every weekend so going home to see her is gna be a bit hard. ANDD we got a beautiful new puppy named Chloe Nicole:
she's a mix between a maltese and a yorkie. love herrr! lol i just can't wait to be able to go home and be with the ones i know will never fail me..
hopefully, when i've graduated college, when i've become a successful investment banker and wife, my life will finally be complete. if not, at least i'll be making loot. ;)
until next time, outski♥
i'm especially tired of thinking so much.. i've been racking my brain far too much lately. the question is why do i waste my time on people who could care less about me and ignore the ones who do care? that seems to be a constant in my life. i thrive on people who drag me down. i'm sick of making sacrifices for people and catering to other people's needs. i need to put myself first and stop worrying about what others want or think. i can't let people walk all over me anymore. i can't let people play games with me anymore. i'm sick of getting hurt, i'm sick of trusting people and letting my guard down only to have them crush me. but what i'm especially sick of is the games that people play. the private calls need to stop.
on a lighter note, i'm seeing more and more of my friends plunge deeper and deeper into credit card debt and i thank God in heaven that i have a steady, well paying job that keeps me from falling into that abyss.. **knocks on wood**
my grammy's back from haiti, FINALLY.. of course i work every weekend so going home to see her is gna be a bit hard. ANDD we got a beautiful new puppy named Chloe Nicole:
she's a mix between a maltese and a yorkie. love herrr! lol i just can't wait to be able to go home and be with the ones i know will never fail me..
hopefully, when i've graduated college, when i've become a successful investment banker and wife, my life will finally be complete. if not, at least i'll be making loot. ;)
until next time, outski♥
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