reminders to myself..

"nobody built like you.. you design yourself"
-- jay z

as of late, i've been realizing that a lot of the friendships that i felt were worth putting time and energy into were just the opposite of that. there once was a time that i thought i needed friends; i thought that i was afraid of being alone. as time goes on, however, i've come to terms with the fact that i really don't need anyone. it's fun to have people around, yeah, but at the end of the day, i'm sleeping alone (well most of the time.. lol) i've found myself settling for people and trying to look past their many imperfections (yeah, i know everyone has them but damn) only to have them essentially spit in my face. no more, though. i will not let another person hold me down. on top of that, the people that i never have had to settle for and go against my gut for are still around so fuck the rest. yeah, you.
in any case..
spring fling was a blast, to say the least. i definitely took shot numero uno at like 10:15 in the morning. although it was fun fun fun, i will never do that again. i was all fucked up by 11:30, walkin around with madeleine all crazy lol.. annndd at 4:30 i was still drinking! lol good timesss.. apparently i drunk dialed/texted like shiit but it's coool tho. that means i love you! lol by like 6:30-7 i was startin to feel shittyy. i was in bed by 8 and kept waking up feeling like i needed to throw up. i didn't, but that feeling stayed well into the next morning.. a small price to pay! lol..
right now i'm supposed to be doing this fuckin law homework but i can't seem to find the last two answers so i'm about to quit.. the last month of school is always a dirty bitch.. i'm soo tired of doing school work but at the same time i don't really wanna slack to cancel out all of the work i did in the beginning.. 3 more weeks, 3 more weeks!
until next time, outski♥

whirlwind of thoughts

have you ever forgotten to charge your cell phone and had it die on you at the most inopportune times? i know i have. it only happens at the worst times possible like when you're lost **gasp** or you need to make an uber important phone call. for me, the latter isn't that big of a problem because i remember everyone's phone number and get constantly teased for it, lol.. there's no way i'd be putting my face on a pay phone, however, especially not in philly.. i digress..
just like cell phones need to be charged, sometimes we need charging as well -- college students especially. we are so stressed about getting good grades that a lot of times, we neglect the things our bodies need the most like rest, relaxation and direction. it seems that we get weak and 'lose signal' but we try to press on through it but just like a cell phone, there's only so much you can do without being recharged. i, for one, am a repeat offender of this.

on another, yet vaguely similar note.. when two people enter into a serious relationship, they begin to say sweet things like 'you're my better half' and 'you complete me.' you complete me? so if/when that relationship falls through and that person leaves, are you permanently incomplete? were you so wound up in this one person that you are not able to recharge (hey segway!) yourself on your own? i think that people, as a whole, confuse 'complete' with 'complement'. they are two very different things. two things that are complete are complementary but two things that are complementary are not automatically complete. for example, purchasing a complete pair of gloves denotes two single gloves that are complementary. wearing two different socks together as a makeshift pair does not make them a complete pair. the complete and complementary pair is essentially good, while the makeshift pair will simply have to make do.
entering a relationship looking for someone to 'complete' you and not to 'complement' you often yields co-dependency instead of partnership. a co-dependent relationship is not about growth in each other, but instead about taking care of the here and now. this as well oftentimes forces people into a harsh cycle -- falling in love, getting what we need for the moment, falling out of love, resenting that person for filling not your emotional, but only your platonic desires. being 'whole' does not equate to perfection. being 'whole' only really equates to not needing. i think before one tries to find another to 'complete' him/her, he or she needs to work on completing his/herself. depending on another for your own happiness is no way to live.
that's enough insight for one night!
until next time, outski♥

how does your life taste?

rock with me.
when we, as regular people, go to a restaurant for the first time, typically we look at the entire menu before making a choice. there are other factors that add to that choice, like a friend or the waiter/waitress making a recommendation, but essentially, our choices are made based on our own tastes, thoughts and opinions. once everyone's food comes, however, before tasting our own, we look at how everyone else's meals look and smell and begin to second guess our own choices. 'i should've gotten that' is usually the first thought running through everyone's mind. for that reason, no one is truly satisfied with their choice, and the meal, unfortunately, is not enjoyed the way it would have been had it's owner been confident in his/her choice.
a good number of us experience life in the same ways we experience dining. we constantly compare our lives to the next person's, not knowing the full extent of his or hers. from the outside, everyone's life looks more gratifying and satisfying than our own. we, as people, overlook the fact that there may be aspects of that person's life that they find extremely dissatisfying, but are good at masking the fact. we never know who is or isn't truly happy with the life they lead. we have to remember that just like in a restaurant, what looks, smells, and tastes good to one person may not please you.
we also must not forget that food's main purpose is to energize. elementarily explained, plants and animals sacrifice their lives to provide that energy to sustain our lives. one should think of life in the same type of way: in order to maintain life, we are forced to sacrifice many different things, things that sometimes make us feel that if we had the next person's life, we'd feel better. everyone must do this, so we should learn to accept our lives, despite how the next person's looks, smells, or tastes.
how does your life taste?

philly philly, philly where i'm NOT from

so last night i went to look at an apartment on susquehanna (yuck) and afterwards, my two friends and i went to the mcdonald's up that way. we sit down and there are these three disgusting looking men with freeway beards sitting at the table across from us. they're looking out the window at temple kids walking back and forth saying 'damn temple girls all got fat asses.' get a life mr. then one of them was like 'the things i would do to that girl, i'd set her up on the washing machine on spin cycle and eat her pussy for hours.' at this point, my one friend starts crackin up, essentially inviting them to join our conversation. yuck. they're like 'oh shorties over there know what that's like,' blah blah.. then they start showing us their tongues as if that's supposed to be some kind of turn on. then they came over trying to initiate conversation. no thanks. long story short, i don't know what it is about philly men but they allll disgust the hell outta me. not a one of them has style, game.. the list goes on..
in any case, the apartment search is still going nowhere, fast. **shakes head, big sigh**
until next time, outski♥

frustration.

i'm so unbelievably tired of life right now. for the past like two months i've been putting excessive amounts of energy into finding an apartment suitable for 4 different people only to now have to restart my search for a studio apartment. i'm tired of putting my all out to please people and getting absolutely nothing in return; it's as if my wants and needs are not a priority to anyone. am i supposed to smile and act as if everything's fine when shit never goes my way? didn't think so. i'm tired of college -- tired of working so hard and taking so many classes, studying so many hours only to eventually (hopefully) get a job and work some more. eh, such is life, i suppose..
i'm especially tired of thinking so much.. i've been racking my brain far too much lately. the question is why do i waste my time on people who could care less about me and ignore the ones who do care? that seems to be a constant in my life. i thrive on people who drag me down. i'm sick of making sacrifices for people and catering to other people's needs. i need to put myself first and stop worrying about what others want or think. i can't let people walk all over me anymore. i can't let people play games with me anymore. i'm sick of getting hurt, i'm sick of trusting people and letting my guard down only to have them crush me. but what i'm especially sick of is the games that people play. the private calls need to stop.
on a lighter note, i'm seeing more and more of my friends plunge deeper and deeper into credit card debt and i thank God in heaven that i have a steady, well paying job that keeps me from falling into that abyss.. **knocks on wood**
my grammy's back from haiti, FINALLY.. of course i work every weekend so going home to see her is gna be a bit hard. ANDD we got a beautiful new puppy named Chloe Nicole:
she's a mix between a maltese and a yorkie. love herrr! lol i just can't wait to be able to go home and be with the ones i know will never fail me..
hopefully, when i've graduated college, when i've become a successful investment banker and wife, my life will finally be complete. if not, at least i'll be making loot. ;)
until next time, outski♥

ramblings from the library..

today has been one of those days.. i looked at FOUR apartments today and i'm slowly coming to the conclusion that connecticut is where i belong. of the four, i loved one (which of course the landlord wants to rent out in april, yeah next week) liked one (turns out that one isn't even on the market anymore but he's building three other duplexes so hopefully i'll like one of those) hated one (no comment) and the final one i was on the fence about. all of this work when i could leave temple, save thousands of dollars and live back at home for free. in any case, hopefully this time next month i'll know where i'll be next year.
aside from that...
again i'm doing that whole re-assessing my life and friendships thing again and i'm finding myself wanting more and more to cut things out, 'friends' being the number one. it perplexes me how i have been friends with people back in connecticut basically my whole life, but i came to temple and i find myself disliking more and more people. of the many i was close with at one point, i really only talk to one, jhannell my ride or die. i'm not complaining, but at the same time i wonder if it's really them or if it's just me. it has to been them. lol.

i'm kinda glad that both day 26's and danity kane's albums were good. i was afraid they wouldn't be. in any case, day 26 is below. until next time! outski♥

i'm rojo

What's Your True Color?

My Result: Red

Your color is red, the color of racy sportscars, blushing cheeks, and luscious roses. Red symbolizes passion, romance, and love. So, since you're ruled by red, you probably trust your feelings more than your brain and tend to act spontaneously. If you see something you want, you go for it without thinking twice — impulsive is your middle name. You don't wait around for people to make decisions, either; you dive right in. Quite the romantic, you pay close attention to your emotions. In fact, if your heart isn't in what you're doing, you won't be satisfied. Of course, even when you do pour all your energy into the projects you tackle, your impetuous nature means your passions can shift as frequently as the wind. That's why some reds have trouble with commitment. Our advice? Next time you're feeling fickle, think before you act, if possible. You might be surprised at the results. Overall, though, it's great to be red. No one lives life more completely than you do.

What are you?
http://web.tickle.com/jumpto?test=colorogt&c=50652