once you deal with someone on an intimate level, unconsciously, you begin to change to please them. now that we are through, i'm noticing the things that i changed and those that i did not. even though i don't regret what happened, how it happened or fully how it ended, i find myself wondering what would have come of us if i had changed those things that i didn't, or even more, if i never changed those things that i did. now that it's over, i find that i've in essence let go of a piece of myself, a piece that i'm not sure that i will miss. now, those high walls around my heart from before i met him seem to have jumped another 30 feet. whether this is good or bad, i'm not sure. nevertheless, after conversing with a good friend, i realize that i'm something of a relationship wimp stuck in a dangerous cycle. i'm not used to being alone for long periods of time, and each time i find myself down on love, i seem to find a new man to help me get over my hurt. this time, however, it seems that i have to get over my hurt, a hurt that i've never experienced before, all by myself. this isn't even the worst of it. now that i don't have anyone to stick by my side and kick it with, i feel like i'm slowly losing everyone and everything else. i need closure on so many different levels and at this point, that closure seems not to be coming. as shallow and possibly unfitting as it is, i feel like i've hit rock bottom and i can't seem to find my footing.. yeah, everyone has problems, but whatever. the funniest thing about this all is that i've given advice to s many different people about this very hardship and i can't seem to take my own advice and get back on my feet. i wish things could go back to how they were this time last year, when life was EASY. lol in any case..
apartment shopping has officially begun. though i would want more than anything to be able to live happily with my friends, experience has taught me that friends are not meant to live together. on that same token, however, i don't fully want to live by myself.. life would be so much easier if i could just live with my motherrrrr.. lol i hate temple so much right now, coming back is still an if.. anyhow, i have a paper due and a midterm in law tomorrow morning, so i must go prepare. until next time♥
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