in a winehouse state of mind.

'All I can ever be to you/Is the darkness that we knew/And this regret I've got accustomed to/Once it was so right/When we were at our high/Waiting for you in the hotel at night/I knew I hadn't met my match/But every moment we could snatch/I don't know why I got so attached/It's my responsibility/And you don't owe nothing to me/But to walk away I have no capacity/He walks away/The sun goes down/He takes the day but I'm grown/And in your way/In this blue shade/My tears dry on their own'
-- Amy Winehouse, Tears Dry On Their Own

took the words right out of my mouth.. there's nothing that i want more than for the both of us to be happy.. the only problem is we can't seem to be happy and truthful at the same time.. i've done my dirt, we're both in the wrong and the saddest thing is that i'm only just realizing it.. though what i did isn't nearly as bad as what he did (in my eyes) two wrongs will never make a right.. a relationship built on lies is also bound to fail; it was only a matter of time.. it hurts like shit though, and it seems that neither of us knows how to effectively deal with it.. even though i semi know why, sometimes i wonder why we didn't work & why it took a whole year and a half for us to realize it wasn't going to or one step further, i wonder if we actually did know and chose to revel in the moments we shared and ignore it.. more likely than not it was the second of the two, and probably mostly because i tend to jump into things head first and deal with the consequences later. i'm usually able to gauge the consequences and this time i honestly felt that there were none. i wanted to mean the same to him as he did to me.. maybe i did, maybe i didn't, i'll never know.. what i do know is that at the end of the day, i don't regret for a second being with him and my tears really will dry on their own..

mild epiphany

“The hardest thing you can do is smile when you are ill, in pain or depressed, but this no-cost remedy is a necessary first half-step if you are to start on the road to recovery."
-- Allen Klein

&& here i go..

someone please call 911

once you deal with someone on an intimate level, unconsciously, you begin to change to please them. now that we are through, i'm noticing the things that i changed and those that i did not. even though i don't regret what happened, how it happened or fully how it ended, i find myself wondering what would have come of us if i had changed those things that i didn't, or even more, if i never changed those things that i did. now that it's over, i find that i've in essence let go of a piece of myself, a piece that i'm not sure that i will miss. now, those high walls around my heart from before i met him seem to have jumped another 30 feet. whether this is good or bad, i'm not sure. nevertheless, after conversing with a good friend, i realize that i'm something of a relationship wimp stuck in a dangerous cycle. i'm not used to being alone for long periods of time, and each time i find myself down on love, i seem to find a new man to help me get over my hurt. this time, however, it seems that i have to get over my hurt, a hurt that i've never experienced before, all by myself. this isn't even the worst of it. now that i don't have anyone to stick by my side and kick it with, i feel like i'm slowly losing everyone and everything else. i need closure on so many different levels and at this point, that closure seems not to be coming. as shallow and possibly unfitting as it is, i feel like i've hit rock bottom and i can't seem to find my footing.. yeah, everyone has problems, but whatever. the funniest thing about this all is that i've given advice to s many different people about this very hardship and i can't seem to take my own advice and get back on my feet. i wish things could go back to how they were this time last year, when life was EASY. lol in any case..
apartment shopping has officially begun. though i would want more than anything to be able to live happily with my friends, experience has taught me that friends are not meant to live together. on that same token, however, i don't fully want to live by myself.. life would be so much easier if i could just live with my motherrrrr.. lol i hate temple so much right now, coming back is still an if.. anyhow, i have a paper due and a midterm in law tomorrow morning, so i must go prepare. until next time♥

take one.

sometimes i like to sit back and contemplate my life: where have i been? where am i going? i find myself struggling to answer both questions. when i think about my past experiences, it seems that i never, ever learn. i'm tired of being in the same spot in life but it seems that subconsciously, i'm not..? that's the only real reason i can find to justify my actions. i don't know what it is.. i only act that way towards certain things, or persons, to be more specific. on the same token, i've come to terms with the fact that i'm deathly afraid of being alone. although i rant and rave about wanting to live alone and hating everyone the fact of the matter is i don't know how to be emotionally alone. when i look back on things that happened, i almost think i physically can't do it..
eh.. on a lighter note, i wish i could read minds. i know not everyone shares my same thought processes and for that reason, i wish i had that power if only for one day. i think if i were able to see how a certain few people thought and reacted to certain things, aside from the way they show it, my life would be so much easier. but that's impossible, so i'm gna try and work on my communication skills. apparently i "don't express myself in clear enough ways and i expect people to just know how i feel." the second part of that very well may be true because i do wear my emotions on my sleeves so i don't think things are that hard to decipher about me.. in any case, it wouldn't hurt to work on communicating.
2007 was a whirlwind of emotions -- mostly sad ones. for that reason, though i haven't so much succeeded, i need to make 2008 a good year. it seems that starting at the summer of 2007, my life took a huge turn. it hasn't proved to be horrible, but it hasn't been amazing either. instead of the usual complaining and sulking, however, i'm gna try and make the best of everything. (enter blogspot) tune in kiddos, it's gna be quite a ride..