i've been neglecting my poor little blog. let's get up to speed, shall we? lol.. spring semester is officially over and i must say i'm pretty fricken impressed with the outcome. fall semester sucked so i'm hella proud of myself for coming back from it the way that i did. i'm staying in philly for the summer to work, take summer classes and ultimately be broke and miserable lol! good fun though.. i'll be moving into my new apartment (yayy) august 5th but i have yet to find any furniture, so looks like i'll be sleeping on the floor! lol it's cool, as long as it's my floor and i don't have to worry about anyone else..
life on the whole is okay, i guess..i've been thinking more and more about the year that has passed and i think it is safe to say that this may have been one of the worst school years of my life. there was some good but for the most part, it was borderline unbearable.. 158% of me is ecstatic that it's over. lol. i feel like i've learned so much yet so little over the course of the past 9 months. all of those experiences, thoughts, heartaches, etc. have brought me to really realize that the only person that truly cares about me is me. yeah i have 'friends' but i do not trust a soul anymore. basically everyone seems to fail me. lol debbie downer much? i love the time to myself that i finally have now that my obnoxious roommate moved out, but at the same time, i feel more alone than i ever have before. i've been trying to immerse myself in other things to entertain myself but at the end of the day, i really can't find anything. i'm not complaining, i'm just saying. lol. i wish i would find someone or a few someones that are truly down for me. even more than that, i wish i could rewind to this time last year, eradicate all those farfetched hopes, dreams and wishes that i made for this past year and realize then what i know now. i seriously could have saved myself gallons of tears, money and tiiiimmmmeeeeee, that i will never get back (well the money i will.. lol).. i'm so tired of being hurt. i seriously need some sort of a breakthrough. lol.
in any case, i'm excited to be taking classes. my calculus teacher, darin kapanjie is nice to look at and he's funny. i'm predicting an a in the class. i have macroeconomics next session and i'm praying for an a because i barely scraped by in micro. lol.
as far as my aforementioned problems, i may invest in therapy. or loads and loads of alcohol. i'm thinking the latter. ;)
until next time, outski♥
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
bruised, but not broken
it's been a while, i know! lol life has been hectic...
in any case, a couple weeks ago, i was at work on a thursday or friday and it was very, very busy. for that reason, or as a result of my clumsiness (yeah right lol), i rammed my thigh into the door that lets me onto the teller line. *ouch* of course, like i said, it was busy so i couldn't do my usual screaming, crying and rolling around on the floor, lol. instead, i cursed and kept moving. we had a line damn near out to chestnut street so i diligently worked and soon forgot about my ailment. by the end of the night, as the branch started to slow down, i realized that i had really hurt myself. pay attention. i went to the bathroom to inspect my leg thinking that there would be a bruise but there was nothing there. of course it hurt when i walked and touched the spot but visibly, i was fine. i went home, looked some more for a bruise i knew should be there but still, nothing. a few mornings later, the bruise that i knew should have been there days ago, finally reared its ugly head. it still hurt a little bit but not nearly as much as it did when it first happened. read closely. a few days later, i looked at my bruise again and yeah, it was still there looking more disgusting by the day, but it was no longer tender to the touch. i realized that the worse my thigh looked, the closer i was to a full recovery. i attribute this very theory to my everyday life. life has a way of throwing curve balls and setting traps for us that seem to come out of nowhere (like the door that tried to break my leg! lol). we then find ourselves licking our wounds thinking "where did that come from?! i was being careful" or even better "i knew better than to go/do it that way." when you are really hurt or dealing with something, that wound will, more likely than not, be completely invisible. to the naked (or even judgemental) eye, you are in the best shape of your life. only when those wounds begin to heal do things start to get ugly. with healing comes knowledge, new hope. as you make up in your mind that you are going to do things the right way, you may lose friends, yeah. those people who promised to always be by your side may turn into your greatest enemies, yeah. things may seem to be in a great shambles, yeah yeah. when things start to look ugly or things aren't going your way, however, remind yourself that just like when you get a bruise on your body, things tend to get better when they look the worst.
until next time, outski♥
in any case, a couple weeks ago, i was at work on a thursday or friday and it was very, very busy. for that reason, or as a result of my clumsiness (yeah right lol), i rammed my thigh into the door that lets me onto the teller line. *ouch* of course, like i said, it was busy so i couldn't do my usual screaming, crying and rolling around on the floor, lol. instead, i cursed and kept moving. we had a line damn near out to chestnut street so i diligently worked and soon forgot about my ailment. by the end of the night, as the branch started to slow down, i realized that i had really hurt myself. pay attention. i went to the bathroom to inspect my leg thinking that there would be a bruise but there was nothing there. of course it hurt when i walked and touched the spot but visibly, i was fine. i went home, looked some more for a bruise i knew should be there but still, nothing. a few mornings later, the bruise that i knew should have been there days ago, finally reared its ugly head. it still hurt a little bit but not nearly as much as it did when it first happened. read closely. a few days later, i looked at my bruise again and yeah, it was still there looking more disgusting by the day, but it was no longer tender to the touch. i realized that the worse my thigh looked, the closer i was to a full recovery. i attribute this very theory to my everyday life. life has a way of throwing curve balls and setting traps for us that seem to come out of nowhere (like the door that tried to break my leg! lol). we then find ourselves licking our wounds thinking "where did that come from?! i was being careful" or even better "i knew better than to go/do it that way." when you are really hurt or dealing with something, that wound will, more likely than not, be completely invisible. to the naked (or even judgemental) eye, you are in the best shape of your life. only when those wounds begin to heal do things start to get ugly. with healing comes knowledge, new hope. as you make up in your mind that you are going to do things the right way, you may lose friends, yeah. those people who promised to always be by your side may turn into your greatest enemies, yeah. things may seem to be in a great shambles, yeah yeah. when things start to look ugly or things aren't going your way, however, remind yourself that just like when you get a bruise on your body, things tend to get better when they look the worst.
until next time, outski♥
Thursday, April 24, 2008
i love it when we're cruisin together..
let me start out by saying that i finally found an apartment!
now back to our regularly scheduled program:
God puts people in && takes them out of our lives for a reason. sometimes it's hard for us (particularly me) to understand why he does but over time, the understanding will come. looking back on this school year as it's coming to an end, i realize that this year has been one of extreme change. things that were soo good last year turned out to be horrible this year; friendships, relationships, grades, you name it. it felt like nothing went my way this year. i lost sooo friendships that i thought would last forever && a guy that i thought i was in love with (right).. i felt like i hit rock bottom and God himself would not stop kicking me to keep me down everytime i showed signs of getting up again. now, however, as i'm sitting here, getting ready for the summer && my junior year in college (whoooohoooo!) i realize that i haven't lost much at all. these friendships that i thought i lost were nothing but close acquaintances that had cleverly masked themselves as friends. although i have friends back in ct that will never hurt me in the ways i was hurt this school year, i now know that even if i have to finish college completely alone && with no friends (even though that will never happen) i will do it and i will be successful. as far as the relationship, that's a whole other post on its own. at this point, i feel like i really have everything i need. God has weeded out those people who have done nothing really but hold me down and has left me people with whom i share a common goal -- self actualization and success. i really could not ask for more. so here's to you guys, the ones who have never failed me and who will be a part of the story of my life until i graduate, if not for the rest of my life!
until next time, outski♥
now back to our regularly scheduled program:
God puts people in && takes them out of our lives for a reason. sometimes it's hard for us (particularly me) to understand why he does but over time, the understanding will come. looking back on this school year as it's coming to an end, i realize that this year has been one of extreme change. things that were soo good last year turned out to be horrible this year; friendships, relationships, grades, you name it. it felt like nothing went my way this year. i lost sooo friendships that i thought would last forever && a guy that i thought i was in love with (right).. i felt like i hit rock bottom and God himself would not stop kicking me to keep me down everytime i showed signs of getting up again. now, however, as i'm sitting here, getting ready for the summer && my junior year in college (whoooohoooo!) i realize that i haven't lost much at all. these friendships that i thought i lost were nothing but close acquaintances that had cleverly masked themselves as friends. although i have friends back in ct that will never hurt me in the ways i was hurt this school year, i now know that even if i have to finish college completely alone && with no friends (even though that will never happen) i will do it and i will be successful. as far as the relationship, that's a whole other post on its own. at this point, i feel like i really have everything i need. God has weeded out those people who have done nothing really but hold me down and has left me people with whom i share a common goal -- self actualization and success. i really could not ask for more. so here's to you guys, the ones who have never failed me and who will be a part of the story of my life until i graduate, if not for the rest of my life!
until next time, outski♥
Monday, April 21, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
reminders to myself..
"nobody built like you.. you design yourself"
-- jay z
as of late, i've been realizing that a lot of the friendships that i felt were worth putting time and energy into were just the opposite of that. there once was a time that i thought i needed friends; i thought that i was afraid of being alone. as time goes on, however, i've come to terms with the fact that i really don't need anyone. it's fun to have people around, yeah, but at the end of the day, i'm sleeping alone (well most of the time.. lol) i've found myself settling for people and trying to look past their many imperfections (yeah, i know everyone has them but damn) only to have them essentially spit in my face. no more, though. i will not let another person hold me down. on top of that, the people that i never have had to settle for and go against my gut for are still around so fuck the rest. yeah, you.
in any case..
spring fling was a blast, to say the least. i definitely took shot numero uno at like 10:15 in the morning. although it was fun fun fun, i will never do that again. i was all fucked up by 11:30, walkin around with madeleine all crazy lol.. annndd at 4:30 i was still drinking! lol good timesss.. apparently i drunk dialed/texted like shiit but it's coool tho. that means i love you! lol by like 6:30-7 i was startin to feel shittyy. i was in bed by 8 and kept waking up feeling like i needed to throw up. i didn't, but that feeling stayed well into the next morning.. a small price to pay! lol..
right now i'm supposed to be doing this fuckin law homework but i can't seem to find the last two answers so i'm about to quit.. the last month of school is always a dirty bitch.. i'm soo tired of doing school work but at the same time i don't really wanna slack to cancel out all of the work i did in the beginning.. 3 more weeks, 3 more weeks!
until next time, outski♥
-- jay z
as of late, i've been realizing that a lot of the friendships that i felt were worth putting time and energy into were just the opposite of that. there once was a time that i thought i needed friends; i thought that i was afraid of being alone. as time goes on, however, i've come to terms with the fact that i really don't need anyone. it's fun to have people around, yeah, but at the end of the day, i'm sleeping alone (well most of the time.. lol) i've found myself settling for people and trying to look past their many imperfections (yeah, i know everyone has them but damn) only to have them essentially spit in my face. no more, though. i will not let another person hold me down. on top of that, the people that i never have had to settle for and go against my gut for are still around so fuck the rest. yeah, you.
in any case..
spring fling was a blast, to say the least. i definitely took shot numero uno at like 10:15 in the morning. although it was fun fun fun, i will never do that again. i was all fucked up by 11:30, walkin around with madeleine all crazy lol.. annndd at 4:30 i was still drinking! lol good timesss.. apparently i drunk dialed/texted like shiit but it's coool tho. that means i love you! lol by like 6:30-7 i was startin to feel shittyy. i was in bed by 8 and kept waking up feeling like i needed to throw up. i didn't, but that feeling stayed well into the next morning.. a small price to pay! lol..
right now i'm supposed to be doing this fuckin law homework but i can't seem to find the last two answers so i'm about to quit.. the last month of school is always a dirty bitch.. i'm soo tired of doing school work but at the same time i don't really wanna slack to cancel out all of the work i did in the beginning.. 3 more weeks, 3 more weeks!
until next time, outski♥
Thursday, April 10, 2008
whirlwind of thoughts
have you ever forgotten to charge your cell phone and had it die on you at the most inopportune times? i know i have. it only happens at the worst times possible like when you're lost **gasp** or you need to make an uber important phone call. for me, the latter isn't that big of a problem because i remember everyone's phone number and get constantly teased for it, lol.. there's no way i'd be putting my face on a pay phone, however, especially not in philly.. i digress..
just like cell phones need to be charged, sometimes we need charging as well -- college students especially. we are so stressed about getting good grades that a lot of times, we neglect the things our bodies need the most like rest, relaxation and direction. it seems that we get weak and 'lose signal' but we try to press on through it but just like a cell phone, there's only so much you can do without being recharged. i, for one, am a repeat offender of this.
on another, yet vaguely similar note.. when two people enter into a serious relationship, they begin to say sweet things like 'you're my better half' and 'you complete me.' you complete me? so if/when that relationship falls through and that person leaves, are you permanently incomplete? were you so wound up in this one person that you are not able to recharge (hey segway!) yourself on your own? i think that people, as a whole, confuse 'complete' with 'complement'. they are two very different things. two things that are complete are complementary but two things that are complementary are not automatically complete. for example, purchasing a complete pair of gloves denotes two single gloves that are complementary. wearing two different socks together as a makeshift pair does not make them a complete pair. the complete and complementary pair is essentially good, while the makeshift pair will simply have to make do.
entering a relationship looking for someone to 'complete' you and not to 'complement' you often yields co-dependency instead of partnership. a co-dependent relationship is not about growth in each other, but instead about taking care of the here and now. this as well oftentimes forces people into a harsh cycle -- falling in love, getting what we need for the moment, falling out of love, resenting that person for filling not your emotional, but only your platonic desires. being 'whole' does not equate to perfection. being 'whole' only really equates to not needing. i think before one tries to find another to 'complete' him/her, he or she needs to work on completing his/herself. depending on another for your own happiness is no way to live.
that's enough insight for one night!
until next time, outski♥
just like cell phones need to be charged, sometimes we need charging as well -- college students especially. we are so stressed about getting good grades that a lot of times, we neglect the things our bodies need the most like rest, relaxation and direction. it seems that we get weak and 'lose signal' but we try to press on through it but just like a cell phone, there's only so much you can do without being recharged. i, for one, am a repeat offender of this.
on another, yet vaguely similar note.. when two people enter into a serious relationship, they begin to say sweet things like 'you're my better half' and 'you complete me.' you complete me? so if/when that relationship falls through and that person leaves, are you permanently incomplete? were you so wound up in this one person that you are not able to recharge (hey segway!) yourself on your own? i think that people, as a whole, confuse 'complete' with 'complement'. they are two very different things. two things that are complete are complementary but two things that are complementary are not automatically complete. for example, purchasing a complete pair of gloves denotes two single gloves that are complementary. wearing two different socks together as a makeshift pair does not make them a complete pair. the complete and complementary pair is essentially good, while the makeshift pair will simply have to make do.
entering a relationship looking for someone to 'complete' you and not to 'complement' you often yields co-dependency instead of partnership. a co-dependent relationship is not about growth in each other, but instead about taking care of the here and now. this as well oftentimes forces people into a harsh cycle -- falling in love, getting what we need for the moment, falling out of love, resenting that person for filling not your emotional, but only your platonic desires. being 'whole' does not equate to perfection. being 'whole' only really equates to not needing. i think before one tries to find another to 'complete' him/her, he or she needs to work on completing his/herself. depending on another for your own happiness is no way to live.
that's enough insight for one night!
until next time, outski♥
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
how does your life taste?
rock with me.
when we, as regular people, go to a restaurant for the first time, typically we look at the entire menu before making a choice. there are other factors that add to that choice, like a friend or the waiter/waitress making a recommendation, but essentially, our choices are made based on our own tastes, thoughts and opinions. once everyone's food comes, however, before tasting our own, we look at how everyone else's meals look and smell and begin to second guess our own choices. 'i should've gotten that' is usually the first thought running through everyone's mind. for that reason, no one is truly satisfied with their choice, and the meal, unfortunately, is not enjoyed the way it would have been had it's owner been confident in his/her choice.
a good number of us experience life in the same ways we experience dining. we constantly compare our lives to the next person's, not knowing the full extent of his or hers. from the outside, everyone's life looks more gratifying and satisfying than our own. we, as people, overlook the fact that there may be aspects of that person's life that they find extremely dissatisfying, but are good at masking the fact. we never know who is or isn't truly happy with the life they lead. we have to remember that just like in a restaurant, what looks, smells, and tastes good to one person may not please you.
we also must not forget that food's main purpose is to energize. elementarily explained, plants and animals sacrifice their lives to provide that energy to sustain our lives. one should think of life in the same type of way: in order to maintain life, we are forced to sacrifice many different things, things that sometimes make us feel that if we had the next person's life, we'd feel better. everyone must do this, so we should learn to accept our lives, despite how the next person's looks, smells, or tastes.
how does your life taste?
when we, as regular people, go to a restaurant for the first time, typically we look at the entire menu before making a choice. there are other factors that add to that choice, like a friend or the waiter/waitress making a recommendation, but essentially, our choices are made based on our own tastes, thoughts and opinions. once everyone's food comes, however, before tasting our own, we look at how everyone else's meals look and smell and begin to second guess our own choices. 'i should've gotten that' is usually the first thought running through everyone's mind. for that reason, no one is truly satisfied with their choice, and the meal, unfortunately, is not enjoyed the way it would have been had it's owner been confident in his/her choice.
a good number of us experience life in the same ways we experience dining. we constantly compare our lives to the next person's, not knowing the full extent of his or hers. from the outside, everyone's life looks more gratifying and satisfying than our own. we, as people, overlook the fact that there may be aspects of that person's life that they find extremely dissatisfying, but are good at masking the fact. we never know who is or isn't truly happy with the life they lead. we have to remember that just like in a restaurant, what looks, smells, and tastes good to one person may not please you.
we also must not forget that food's main purpose is to energize. elementarily explained, plants and animals sacrifice their lives to provide that energy to sustain our lives. one should think of life in the same type of way: in order to maintain life, we are forced to sacrifice many different things, things that sometimes make us feel that if we had the next person's life, we'd feel better. everyone must do this, so we should learn to accept our lives, despite how the next person's looks, smells, or tastes.
how does your life taste?
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