ramblings

as i said in my previous post, this month has been nothing short of hectic. i'm in the process of moving (whoa!) and it's breaking me. i have accumulated so much stuff that i don't know if i'm ready to part with, even though they need to go. more importantly, i need boxes and of course i waited for the last minute and it's proving to be 40x more difficult than i thought it would be to get them. i hate my life. lol and my mother was supposed to come out a few days before i move in so that we could go buy my furniture but she won't be able to. ultimately, i'm doing this whole move alone. i'm extremely stressed but i think this is good for me. moving in will be that much more gratifying i guess (if i do move successfully, that is.) things will all work out, i hope. now, more than ever do i wish i wasn't such a frivolous spender because i would have my car and my problems would be pretty much solved. no matter, i'll be fine.
i just wish that i didn't have soo much to do in such a confined period of time. truthfully i wish i wasn't taking this damn summer class. that's what's creating the brunt of my stress.. everyone knows i don't do any real work at my job, ha..
-- totally irrelevant info--
on one of my many google crusades (ha) i came across this and decided to share:
[Robert F. Kennedy] gave a speech to the Voice of America all around the world 40 years ago. And despite what was going on in the country, particularly in Alabama, Bobby Kennedy said this: Things are 'moving so fast in race relations a Negro could be president in 40 years.' This is in 1968, we're now in 2008.

'There's no question about it,' the attorney general said. 'In the next 40 years a Negro can achieve the same position that my brother has.' ... Kennedy said that prejudice exists and probably will continue to ... 'But we have tried to make progress and we are making progress. We are not going to accept the status quo.'

- Robert F. Kennedy, Washington Post, May 27, 1968
Obama has this in the bag.
until next time, outski♥

you look vaguely familiar..

it has definitely been a full month. lol.. life has been nothing short of insane. i can't say i'm hating it but i definitely can't say i'm loving it either.. what i am loving is the thought of me moving in less than a month! i'm too fricken excited. in other news, i've been in philly pretty much alone and have gotten a lot of self evaluation in. i realized that temple has radically transformed me into something of a bitter hag, lol. no, actually i think i have become a significantly better person in that i am no longer the naive, eager to fall & trust kind of girl that i once was. though i do spend a lot of time alone nowadays, i'd rather do that then have many people around me draining me of essentially my joy. it's whatever though, right now i'm in a very good place. i have my five best friends -- God, my mom, my sister, my blackberry and my ipod and i'm soon to add a sixth, my apartment. i'd say life is going pretty well. my next post probably won't be for a little while, this month will be pretty hectic. i'll try my best though =]
until next time, outski♥

the wall between us

There is a wall between us
It prevents us from becoming something more
Here I stand, intrigued and infatuated
Yet I fear my feelings are exaggerated
Perhaps this wall is the pain of a past
Or the fear of our future
I’m standing here looking
Waiting for something to happen
But I cannot even see you.
Instead I see stones of reason and logic
It’s excuses that keep us apart
Maybe the wall is this fatal attraction
That keeps me from being me
And in turn you see stones of lies
Frozen, yes, self control is between us.
We walk to the edge of possibilities
And let our imaginations consume us
I know you’re there, waiting
I’m still here listening
Would I be a fool to climb?
To climb this barricade of time
Time moves, yes
But will this wall is immobile
It is no secret that we hold secrets
This wall is full of silence
We give hints of what’s deeply critical
And disguise it with sarcasm and comedy
The truth is that we’re both calling out for love… a love
The question is what kind is necessary
Just then, when we both believe that we are not each other’s future
And that we are nothing more than failed attempts turned into a lesson
… We walk away.

rewind.

i've been neglecting my poor little blog. let's get up to speed, shall we? lol.. spring semester is officially over and i must say i'm pretty fricken impressed with the outcome. fall semester sucked so i'm hella proud of myself for coming back from it the way that i did. i'm staying in philly for the summer to work, take summer classes and ultimately be broke and miserable lol! good fun though.. i'll be moving into my new apartment (yayy) august 5th but i have yet to find any furniture, so looks like i'll be sleeping on the floor! lol it's cool, as long as it's my floor and i don't have to worry about anyone else..
life on the whole is okay, i guess..i've been thinking more and more about the year that has passed and i think it is safe to say that this may have been one of the worst school years of my life. there was some good but for the most part, it was borderline unbearable.. 158% of me is ecstatic that it's over. lol. i feel like i've learned so much yet so little over the course of the past 9 months. all of those experiences, thoughts, heartaches, etc. have brought me to really realize that the only person that truly cares about me is me. yeah i have 'friends' but i do not trust a soul anymore. basically everyone seems to fail me. lol debbie downer much? i love the time to myself that i finally have now that my obnoxious roommate moved out, but at the same time, i feel more alone than i ever have before. i've been trying to immerse myself in other things to entertain myself but at the end of the day, i really can't find anything. i'm not complaining, i'm just saying. lol. i wish i would find someone or a few someones that are truly down for me. even more than that, i wish i could rewind to this time last year, eradicate all those farfetched hopes, dreams and wishes that i made for this past year and realize then what i know now. i seriously could have saved myself gallons of tears, money and tiiiimmmmeeeeee, that i will never get back (well the money i will.. lol).. i'm so tired of being hurt. i seriously need some sort of a breakthrough. lol.
in any case, i'm excited to be taking classes. my calculus teacher, darin kapanjie is nice to look at and he's funny. i'm predicting an a in the class. i have macroeconomics next session and i'm praying for an a because i barely scraped by in micro. lol.
as far as my aforementioned problems, i may invest in therapy. or loads and loads of alcohol. i'm thinking the latter. ;)
until next time, outski♥

bruised, but not broken

it's been a while, i know! lol life has been hectic...
in any case, a couple weeks ago, i was at work on a thursday or friday and it was very, very busy. for that reason, or as a result of my clumsiness (yeah right lol), i rammed my thigh into the door that lets me onto the teller line. *ouch* of course, like i said, it was busy so i couldn't do my usual screaming, crying and rolling around on the floor, lol. instead, i cursed and kept moving. we had a line damn near out to chestnut street so i diligently worked and soon forgot about my ailment. by the end of the night, as the branch started to slow down, i realized that i had really hurt myself. pay attention. i went to the bathroom to inspect my leg thinking that there would be a bruise but there was nothing there. of course it hurt when i walked and touched the spot but visibly, i was fine. i went home, looked some more for a bruise i knew should be there but still, nothing. a few mornings later, the bruise that i knew should have been there days ago, finally reared its ugly head. it still hurt a little bit but not nearly as much as it did when it first happened. read closely. a few days later, i looked at my bruise again and yeah, it was still there looking more disgusting by the day, but it was no longer tender to the touch. i realized that the worse my thigh looked, the closer i was to a full recovery. i attribute this very theory to my everyday life. life has a way of throwing curve balls and setting traps for us that seem to come out of nowhere (like the door that tried to break my leg! lol). we then find ourselves licking our wounds thinking "where did that come from?! i was being careful" or even better "i knew better than to go/do it that way." when you are really hurt or dealing with something, that wound will, more likely than not, be completely invisible. to the naked (or even judgemental) eye, you are in the best shape of your life. only when those wounds begin to heal do things start to get ugly. with healing comes knowledge, new hope. as you make up in your mind that you are going to do things the right way, you may lose friends, yeah. those people who promised to always be by your side may turn into your greatest enemies, yeah. things may seem to be in a great shambles, yeah yeah. when things start to look ugly or things aren't going your way, however, remind yourself that just like when you get a bruise on your body, things tend to get better when they look the worst.
until next time, outski♥

i love it when we're cruisin together..

let me start out by saying that i finally found an apartment!
now back to our regularly scheduled program:
God puts people in && takes them out of our lives for a reason. sometimes it's hard for us (particularly me) to understand why he does but over time, the understanding will come. looking back on this school year as it's coming to an end, i realize that this year has been one of extreme change. things that were soo good last year turned out to be horrible this year; friendships, relationships, grades, you name it. it felt like nothing went my way this year. i lost sooo friendships that i thought would last forever && a guy that i thought i was in love with (right).. i felt like i hit rock bottom and God himself would not stop kicking me to keep me down everytime i showed signs of getting up again. now, however, as i'm sitting here, getting ready for the summer && my junior year in college (whoooohoooo!) i realize that i haven't lost much at all. these friendships that i thought i lost were nothing but close acquaintances that had cleverly masked themselves as friends. although i have friends back in ct that will never hurt me in the ways i was hurt this school year, i now know that even if i have to finish college completely alone && with no friends (even though that will never happen) i will do it and i will be successful. as far as the relationship, that's a whole other post on its own. at this point, i feel like i really have everything i need. God has weeded out those people who have done nothing really but hold me down and has left me people with whom i share a common goal -- self actualization and success. i really could not ask for more. so here's to you guys, the ones who have never failed me and who will be a part of the story of my life until i graduate, if not for the rest of my life!
until next time, outski♥

obama '08

everyone better vote tomorrow!